Building Discernment to Support Authentic Leadership

Hey everyone,

I’m continuing our conversation about authenticity in leadership. Last week I shared that self-connection is a fundamental building block of authenticity. Today I’m going to talk about another key ingredient, discernment. 

Discernment is the ability to perceive the difference between things. 

We can exercise discernment about things that happen in the world around us, and we can also exercise discernment about things that happen within our internal worlds. I believe that for authentic leadership the internal discernment piece is paramount.

As leaders we are constantly put in situations that stretch us. We are learning and growing often very publicly, while also working to support our teams. It is understandable that in those contexts we can sometimes become activated. 

Discernment is the skill that allows us to identify what is activating us and why, and then we can respond appropriately from that deeper understanding. 

If we do not develop this skill we run the risk of making snap judgements and moving reactively rather than with intention and care, which can have significant impacts for us, for our teams, and for our goals.

So how do we develop discernment? The most important step is to slow down. When you notice a feeling of discomfort, fear, anxiety etc. take an intentional pause to check in with yourself.

First ask yourself, “where is the feeling living in your body?”

Then give the feeling a name. Is it Worry? Fear? Anxiety? Insecurity? Grief? Sadness? Shame? 

It can be so powerful to name the feeling that is showing up, and it helps us to really understand what is going on for us internally. 

Often in a heightened emotional moment our brain and body are signaling as loud as possible BAD FEELING, DANGER, RUN AWAY! But knowing that that feeling is grief vs. fear or shame vs. insecurity supports a deeper level of understanding and allows us to unpack what is causing that feeling to surface.

Once you’ve found and named the feeling, ask yourself, “what thoughts are coming up in relation to that feeling?”

Now that you have surfaced the thoughts that are connected to the feeling, probe those thoughts. An incredibly helpful tool to explore thoughts is thought distortions. These are common thinking traps that we fall into, especially when we are activated. A few of the ones my clients (and I) experience most often are:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking. Seeing people or events in absolute (black-or-white) terms, without recognizing the middle ground (e.g. success/failure; perfect/worthless).

• Catastrophizing.Blowing things out of proportion, telling yourself that you won't be able to handle something, or viewing tough situations as if they will never end.

• Emotional reasoning. Believing something is true because it “feels” true. Relying too much on your feelings to guide decisions.

• Intolerance of Uncertainty. Struggling to accept or tolerate things being uncertain or unknown (e.g., repeatedly wondering “what if?” something bad happens).

*From MoodKit™ © 2011 Thriveport LLC

When you notice your thinking is falling into one of these thinking traps, challenge yourself to reframe the thought in a less distorted way by asking yourself “what is another way to think about this situation?”

Another helpful place to check in is to ask yourselves, “are the thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing now connected to past experiences?” If the answer is yes, think about the ways in which those experiences are the same and/or different from the current situation. Sometimes we reflexively bring baggage from past experiences into our current reality in a way that doesn’t serve us or isn’t really connected.

Another powerful question to ask ourselves to challenge our thoughts is simply, “what evidence do I have to support this thought?”

Slowing down, getting clear on what we are feeling, naming it, unpacking the thoughts that surface, and then challenging those thoughts to assess what is real and grounded vs. what is distorted is discernment. 

This process puts our core grounded self back in the driver's seat. To do this requires self-connection, which we talked extensively about last week, because you have to be connected to your true self enough to notice when another less grounded part of you has taken the wheel, and to initiate this process to take it back.

Discernment is a practice. The more you do it, the more innate it will become and the less you will be buffeted by the ups and downs of leading. Discernment in connection with self-connection will support you to be a leader who is present with your team, who takes feedback on board, who listens deeply, and who is unwavering in your commitment to equity and justice. One of the greatest gifts you can give your team is to build discernment in yourself because it will support you to show up consistently and with grounded confidence, which in turn supports others to do the same.

As always, I’ll close with a few reflection questions.

• What opportunities do you see to practice discernment as a part of your leadership?

• What thinking traps do you tend to fall into?

• What connections do you see between self-connection, discernment, and building compassionate, resilient, and inclusive work-places?

I’d love to hear from you! Please reply and let me know what is resonating with you.

With love,

Tessa